SAM IN THE MOON
FADE IN:
INT. STEPHENS LIVING ROOM - CLOSE DARRIN - DAY
1 Darrin is seated in front of the TV set, hunched 1
forward, his elbows on his knees, utterly rapt. He
wears slacks and a sport shirt. On the TV set is a
stock photo of the surface of the moon. We hear the
voice of the newscaster.
NEWSCASTER'S VOICE
Ladies and gentlemen, this photograph of
the moon's surface was taken two months
ago by a camera aboard an unmanned space
capsule. Today, space technicians at the
Cape are hopeful that this view of the
moon, and even closer ones will be seen for,
the first time by human eyes.......
As the newscaster speaks, we hear the sound of a vacuum
cleaner being turned on. The TV reception goes bad.
Darrin looks up, annoyed, to see SAM enter from the
dining room, vacuuming the rug.
DARRIN
(loud-over noise)
Sam, not now. It's the moon probe.
SAMANTHA
(can't hear)
What?
DARRIN
(louder)
When you turn the vacuum on, the set goes flooey....
(Sam turns off vacuum-still yelling)
I can't see.
(normal tone)
I can't see. Can't you vacuum later?
He fiddles with the dials on the TV set, trying to get the picture back.
SAMANTHA
Darling, I've been trying for weeks
to give this house a thorough cleaning.
These carpets are filthy.
DARRIN
How can you worry about dirt on the rugs
when we're about to see the surface of the
moon?
SAMANTHA
The moon could use a vacuuming too.
All that dust .... yych.
Darrin gets the picture back. It is now a chart of the
moon and the orbit of the space vehicle. He moves to
Sam.
NEWSCASTER'S VOICE
We have just received word from the Cape
that the orbit and attitude of the space
capsule are just perfect. In a matter of
hours, astronauts aboard the space craft will
see the closest view of the moon ever seen by
the naked eye, thus bringing closer the day
when men will actually land on the moon.
DARRIN
Honey, why don't you forget about the house
for a while and watch this with me? It's
fascinating ... even for a pretty sophisticated
witch like you.
SAMANTHA
I'd like to, but.....
DARRIN
It's like having a ring-side seat for the
discovery of America. Aren't you interested?
SAMANTHA
Certainly I am. But it's the same elliptical
orbit isn't it? Except this time the pilots
themselves will see the mile high dust drifts
and the lunar craters. Right now, I'm more
interested in getting the refrigerator
defrosted, the inside of the stove scrubbed out,
the attic cleaned, and the rugs vacuumed.
(kisses him lightly on, the cheek)
Anyway, I've seen the moon.
She exits to the kitchen. Darrin shakes his head at
Sam's disinterest, starts to move back to the TV set.
He suddenly stops, realizing what Sam has said.
DARRIN
(to himself)
Seen the moon?
(shakes his head)
naw ... it's impossible.....
(beat)
with her, nothing's impossible....
He exits quickly into the kitchen.
3
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
2 Samantha has begun to take things out of the refrigerator, 2
preparatory to defrosting it. As Darrin enters.
DARRIN
(tentative)
Sam ... I'd like to ask you something....
SAMANTHA
I won't vacuum til later, okay?
DARRIN
Sure. Fine. Now, this may sound
a little funny....
SAMANTHA
(gesturing to drain-board)
Would you mind clearing those things
away so I'll have some room?
Darrin begins putting away clean dishes in a dishrack on
the drain board while Sam begins to stack refrigerator
items on the board.
DARRIN
You know I don't approve of husbands
who want to know everything their
wives did before they were married.
What did you do as a young, single
witch doesn't interest me in the least....
SAMANTHA
(not paying too much attention)
That's nice.
(hands him a jar of something)
Do you think this is still good? It's
been in there for a week.
DARRIN
(sniffing it)
Smells all right to me. But in a
matter like this....of ... well..national
importance, I think I have a right to know......
Sam is now struggling with an ice tray which is stuck to
the bottom of the freezer compartment. She can't get it
loose.
DARRIN
(continued)
I mean, ordinarily I wouldn't care.
What difference does it make to me
personally whether you've been there or
not..but we ARE in a race, and it'll mean
a great deal of prestige to the country
that gets there first .....
4
2 CONTINUED: 2
SAMANTHA
(exasperated with the icetray)
Darrin, help me. It's stuck.
He begins tugging on the ice-tray.
DARRIN
So, what I want to know is ....
(the tray comes loose, Darrin
falls backward with it)
Have you ever been to the moon?
SAMANTHA
(not sure she's heard right)
What?
DARRIN
Have you ever been to the moon? I
mean ... with a spell or something?
SAMANTHA
Is that what you wanted to ask me?
DARRIN
Yes. Have you?
SAMANTHA
(utterly ridiculous)
Darrin, really ... I'm trying to clean
the house.....
She goes back to taking things out of the refrigerator.
DARRIN
(louder)
This is more important than cleaning the
house.
SAMANTHA
(turns-putting him on)
Well, if you put it that way. Of course
I've been to the moon ... All of us witches
used to go every fourth Sunday, except for
February which sometimes doesn't have a
fourth Sunday. Of course we wouldn't go
when there was a new moon, because then it
was too hard to find. But when there was
a full moon or even a half moon, we used to
go all the time ... just like mortals go on
a picnic.
She turns back to the refrigerator, doesn't see that Darrin
is staring at her goggle-eyed.
5
2 CONTINUED: 2
DARRIN
(softly-to himself)
Holy mackerel.
SAMANTHA
Darling, I'll make you a deal. I won't
interfere with your moon-watching, if
you'll get out of the kitchen and let
me work.
DARRIN
(nods)
I ... uh ... think I'll take a walk....
maybe drop in on Larry Tate ... get
out of your hair.
SAMANTHA
Good. Have fun.
She moves to him, kisses him lightly. He still looks
stunned, turns and exits.
INT. LIVINGROOM
3 As Darrin enters, moves to the front door. He stops 3
in front of the TV set on which the photo of the
moon is again showing.
NEWSCASTER'S VOICE
With the evidence of this and future
space voyages, we may be closer than we
think to actually shooting a man to the
moon.
DARRIN
(seriously worried)
I could save them the trip.
He exits.
FADE OUT:
ACT ONE 6
FADE -IN:
INT. STEPHENS KITCHEN - DAY
4 A few minutes have elapsed. All the food has been removed 4
from the refrigerator, and Sam now has her head in the box
scrubbing the walls. She comes out with a sponge and bowl
which she empties into the sink, disappears into the
refrigerator again. ENDORA POPS IN, at the breakfast table.
ENDORA
Really, Samantha this is most discouraging.
It's getting harder and harder to tell
the difference between you and an ordinary
household drudge.
Sam comes out of the refrigerator, empties the bowl again.
SAMANTHA
(smiling)
Well, Mother, if you insist on popping
in unannounced, you'll just have to
take me as I am, housemaid's knee and
all.
ENDORA
(over-dramatically)
I must say I can't see where I went
wrong. I brought you up as a proper
witch, taught you the best incantations ...
and here you are married to a mortal,
down on your knees doing the most
menial tasks ... a fallen woman.
SAMANTHA
All right, mother, out with it. What's
on your mind?
ENDORA
(brightly)
I want you to come shopping with me.
SAMANTHA
(beat)
Is that what-all this has been about?
This whole act? To get me to come
shopping with you?
ENDORA
(matter of fact)
Well, if I'd simply invited you, you
would have refused.
4 CONTINUED: 4
SAMANTHA
You know, this has been the strangest
morning. First Darrin starts asking
ridiculous questions and then you pop
in like Lady Macbeth doing the neglected
mother bit.
ENDORA
Come, darling. Change your clothes and
we'll have a lovely time. There are just
a few things I need, and then we can have
lunch at a charming little tea-shop I
know.
SAMANTHA
I'd like to, mother, but I really can't.
Tabatha's asleep.
ENDORA
I know. I've already installed Hagatha
upstairs to babysit.
SAMANTHA
But I have to clean the house.
ENDORA
Then clean it ... properly.....
She raises her hands to cast a spell.
SAMANTHA
No. I'll do it without witchcraft.
ENDORA
Good. A compromise. I'll let you
clean the house like a drudge, but
you'll do it after you come shopping
with me.
SAMANTHA
(softening)
All right. But we can't be gone more
than two hours .... promise?
ENDORA
Marvelous.
She gestures and changes from her witches robes to a
smart afternoon suit.
ENDORA
(continued)
You'd better change too, dear. Slacks
aren't quite right for where we're going.
8
CONTINUED: 4
SAMANTHA
All right.
Sam gestures and appears immediately in an attractive dress.
SAMANTHA
(continued)
Wait a minute. Where are we going?
It's Sunday. All the stores are closed.
ENDORA
Not where I'm taking you. Follow me.
She POPS OUT. Sam shrugs, POPS OUT also.
FLIP TO:
EXT. GINZA - TOKYO (STOCK) DAY
5 The busy thoroughfare, lined with shops. Hold to 5
establish.
INT. JAPANESE HERBALIST'S SHOP - DAY
6 Just a counter, signs in Japanese, and a number of 6
bottles of herbs along the walls. An elderly Japanese
man with a wisp of a goatee stands behind the counter.
ENDORA AND SAM POP IN full view of the owner.
SAMANTHA
(angry)
Mother, for heaven s sake. Why
didn't you tell me you were going to
Tokyo? I'll never trust you again.
ENDORA
(bland)
Darling, you said yourself the shops
were all closed back home. Here it
isn't Sunday. We've crossed the
International Date Line.
(to the proprietor making a slight
Japanese style bow)
Ohio gozaimas, Watanabe-san.
WATANABE
(the Herbalist-also bowing)
Ohio gozaimas-su, Endora-san. I am
so happy to see you again.
ENDORA
This is my daughter, Samantha.
9
6 CONTINUED: 6
SAMANTHA
How do you do.
WATANABE
I am honored to make your acquaintance,
Samantha-san. Your mother and I have
been long time friends.
ENDORA
We've come for some of your marvelous
Warlock's tea.
WATANABE
Of course. Just a moment. I keep
it in back for my ... special customers.
(he exits to back of store)
SAMANTHA
(to Endora)
He's a warlock?
ENDORA
Tokyo chapter. And his tea is absolutely
out of this world. After this, I'll
take you to the most marvelous restaurant....
FLIP TO:
INT. LARRY TATE'S DEN DAY
7 Larry Tate, in slacks and sport shirt is relaxed on 7
the couch watching television, not the moon shot, but
a sportscast of a golf tournament (stock). Darrin is
pacing up and down the room.
TATE
Wow! Pin high in two. He's going
to be putting for an eagle.
(to Darrin, annoyed)
Darrin, will you sit down and relax.
It's Sunday.
DARRIN
Are you sure you don't want to watch
the moon shot?
TATE
Look, you've got a television set at
your house. You want to watch the moon
shot, be my guest. Here we watch golf.
DARRIN
Larry, I want to ask you something.
CONTINUED: 7
LARRY
Is it more important than Jack Nicklaus
getting an eagle on a five hundred and
fifty yard five par?
DARRIN
What do you think about the moon?
LARRY
I think it's very nice.
(re the TV)
Easy now, stroke it easy. You've
got a down hill lie.
DARRIN
I mean about getting there.
LARRY
(groans)
An inch. He missed by an inch.
DARRIN
Now, can we look at the moon shot?
LARRY
(beat-looks at Darrin)
You really want to know what I think?
Okay. I think the moon is very
important, but I wish they'd stop
spending my money trying to get there.
DARRIN
Come, on, Larry, be serious.
LARRY
I am serious. Do you realize how much
my tax bill is going to be this year?
And here they are spending billions
of dollars to get to a place where they're
going to find....
DARRIN
Mile high dust drifts and lunar craters.
LARRY
Right. And you not only want me to approve
of the project, but you want me to actually
watch them throwing away my money? Not a
chance.
DARRIN
Larry ... what if someone knew a way to save
some of that money?
7 CONTINUED: 7
LARRY
(going right on)
Look, don't get me wrong. If they
could just say alicazam, snap their
fingers and get there, I'd be all
for it....
DARRIN
(to himself)
Well, that's close ...
LARRY
What?
DARRIN
Nothing.
LARRY
But when they're spending billions
on car-fare .... one way, I say forget
it.
DARRIN
Larry, I know this is going to sound
ridiculous, but just suppose that someone
knew a way of getting to the moon without
spending all that money .... what do you think
he ought to do?
Larry is now looking at him peculiarly.
LARRY
Ridiculous? Not at all, Darrin - boy.
I think he should go right down to the
authorities and tell them what he knows.
I think it's his patriotic duty.
DARRIN
That's what I was afraid you'd say....
LARRY
But before he does that, do you know what
I think he should do? I think he should
go home, take a good stiff drink, and a
couple of aspirin and try to get some sleep.
DARRIN
(realizes) how silly this is sounding)
Larry, it was just a hypothetical question.
12
7 CONTINUED: 7
LARRY
Of course it was. And furthermore,
I don't think this person should come
to work tomorrow....
(louder)
until he's gotten all this stupid
nonsense out of his skull.
DARRIN
(trying to get out of it)
Well.....really got a rise out of you,
didn't I? Heh, heh. Just putting
you on, you know. Well, guess I'll
be going...see you at the office.
He has begun backing up toward the door.
LARRY
(softly)
Darrin?
DARRIN
What?
LARRY
(gesturing to the door Darrin is opening)
That's the closet.
FLIP TO:
INT. STEPHENS LIVING ROOM - DAY
8 Sam and Endora POP IN, each carrying a few packages, 8
Endora, sets hers down on the living room coffee table.
ENDORA
(pleased with herself)
There. Now you can't say that wasn't
pleasant. Nothing like a little trip
to Japan to break up the morning.
(begins to unwrap one of the packages)
Now, let's relax and have a cup of
this marvelous warlock's tea.
SAMANTHA
(annoyed)
Mother, you're incorrigible. I told
you I couldn't take more than two hours,
and we've been gone four. Now you want
me to sit down and drink tea.
13
8 CONTINUED: 8
ENDORA
Samantha, this business of counting
minutes is really most unbecoming.
What difference does it make? We
had fun, didn't we?
SAMANTHA
What am I going to tell Darrin. I
was supposed to have the house cleaned.
ENDORA
Tell him our rick-shaw got caught in
a traffic jam.
SAMANTHA
I don't even want to tell him I've been
to Japan.
ENDORA
Then don't. Do you have to give him
a schedule of where you've been every day,
minute by minute?
SAMANTHA
Of course not, but I wanted to have the
house finished so we could relax this
afternoon.
(looks around the room, sighs)
If I don't get started cleaning, I'll
never finish. Mother, you're welcome
to stay.
She gestures, turns back into her housecleaning outfit.
ENDORA
And watch you do battle with grease
and grime? No thank you. It's too
depressing.
She picks up her packages.
ENDORA
(continued)
Ta ta, darling. Enjoy your tea.
She gestures with her free hand and POPS OUT. Sam rolls
up her sleeves and exits toward the kitchen.
QUICK DISSOLVE:
14
INT. STEPHENS KITCHEN - DAY
9 Sam is in the process of putting the last things back 9
in the refrigerator. She closes the door, stands and
thinks.
SAMANTHA
(to herself)
Now the vacuuming and the attic.
She exits quickly into the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM
10 As Sam enters. She moves to the vacuum cleaner which 10
is still on the floor, looks at her watch.
SAMANTHA
I'll never make it.
(she looks at the vacuum cleaner)
Vacuum cleaner, I've got a problem.
I can spend four hours pushing you
around and cleaning out the attic, in
which case I won't have any time to
spend with Darrin...or .... I can....
(shrugs meaningfully)
you know ... get it all done in a flash
and relax for the rest of the afternoon
with my husband. What do you think?
Should I or shouldn't I....
She wiggles her nose. The vacuum cleaner goes on and begins
to travel rapidly over the rug.
SAMANTHA
(continued)
(to the vacuum cleaner)
I thought you'd agree. Now for that
dusty old attic.....
She exits quickly to the entry hall and upstairs.
INT. ENTRY HALL
11 As Sam disappears upstairs, the front door opens, and 11
Darrin enters.
DARRIN
(calling)
Sam, I'm home.
He hears the noise of the vacuum cleaner from the living room
exits to it.
12 INT. LIVING ROOM. 12
As Darrin enters.
DARRIN
Sam, haven't you finished vacuuming.....?
The vacuum cleaner, which has been working in the dining
room, now enters the living room under its own power.
Darrin gapes at it.
DARRIN
(continued)
Now that's what I call really automatic.
Sam.
He lunges for the machine, turns off the power.
INT. STEPHENS FRONT HALL
13 Sam is hurrying down the stairs. Her clothes are covered 13
with dust. As she gets to the landing, she runs her finger
along the bottom of the banister, comes up with some dust
and smears it on her face as a finishing touch. She exits
to the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM
14 As Samantha enters. 14
DARRIN
(annoyed, gesturing at vacuum cleaner)
Sam, I thought we agreed that housework
was to be done in the usual manner.
SAMANTHA
(a little flustered)
Oh, I must have left the motor on.
DARRIN
You also must have left detailed
instructions ....
(re her appearance)
What happened to you?
SAMANTHA
I just finished cleaning the attic.
It's very dusty up there.
DARRIN
Did you clean the attic the same way
you were vacuuming the rugs?
SAMANTHA
Darrin, for heavens' sakes. I wanted
us to have some time together and I was
afraid I wouldn't finish, so I just ...
14 CONTINUED:
14
DARRIN
(indicates his nose)
......a little?
SAMANTHA
That's right. Just a little.
DARRIN
By the way, where were you this
morning? I called you from Larry's.
SAMANTHA
(avoiding answer)
How is Larry?
DARRIN
He's fine. But where.....?
SAMANTHA
How was the rest of the moon shot?
Did you see anything interesting?
DARRIN
(suspicions beginning to take
form)
What do you mean ... interesting?
SAMANTHA
I mean ... Unusual - did the astronauts
see anything special?
DARRIN
(dead serious)
Sam, what exactly did you do this
morning while I was gone?
SAMANTHA
(beginning to get miffed)
Darrin, why are you questioning me
like this?
DARRIN
I'm not questioning you. I just want
to know what you did this morning.
SAMANTHA
You mean minute by minute?
DARRIN
Any way you want to tell it.
17
14 CONTINUED: 14
SAMANTHA
Well, let's see, first I cleaned the
right side of the refrigerator, then
I cleaned the left side of the
refrigerator....
DARRIN
Sam, you're deliberately not answering
my question.
SAMANTHA
I don't like being cross examined by
my own husband.
She notices the wrapped package of tea still on the coffee
table, snatches it up and starts to exit quickly toward
the entry hall. Darrin moves after her.
DARRIN
(re the package)
What's that?
SAMANTHA
(flustered again)
This? Oh nothing.
DARRIN
Do you usually wrap up nothing in
white tissue paper?
SAMANTHA
(now good and mad)
If you must know, mother came over
this morning, and we went out for a
little while, to get a few things.
(Darrin sags)
And that's the last question I'm
answering until you apologize.
She starts out again, Darrin following.
INT. ENTRY HALL
15 As Sam enters, fast climbs the stairs. Darrin follows to 15
the bottom of the stairs.
DARRIN
Please, Sam ... just one more question.
Where did you go?
Sam pauses, turns, hopping mad.
SAMANTHA
(sputtering)
You really want to know where we went?
I'll tell you...to ... to the MOON!
She exits quickly upstairs. Darrin almost collapses against
the banister.
FADE OUT:
18
ACT II
FADE IN:
EXT. CORNER DRUG STORE (STOCK) - DAY
16 A neighborhood drug store and pharmacy. Hold to 16
establish.
INT. DRUG STORE - DAY
17 The pharmacy counter. There is a display of various 17
home remedies in front of the counter. On the
counter is a cash register which Max Grand, the
pharmacist, is in the process of closing. Darrin,
wearing the same clothes he had on at the end of Act I
moves to the counter, looking somewhat surreptitious.
GRAND
(New York accent)
How are you, Mr. Stephens.
What'll it be today? Heartburn,
headache, lower back pains, nasal
congestion. You name it, I got
something to fix it.
DARRIN
It's nothing like that, Mr. Grand.
I want to ask you a favor.
GRAND
Favors I don't sell. Not a big
enough mark-up. But for you,
Mr. Stephens, and your lovely wife
and your adorable baby with the
funny name, I'll make you a
present. What can I do for you?
Darrin takes two envelopes out of his pocket, hands
them to Grand.
DARRIN
Could you analyze these?
GRAND
Analyze? What kind of analyze?
Mr. Stephens, I'm a druggist,
not some kind of chemical
engineer. If I was a chemist,
do you think I'd be open on
Sunday afternoon?
19
17 CONTINUED: (2) 17
DARRIN
That's just it. All the
laboratories are closed, and I'd
like to find out what this stuff
is as soon as possible.
(leans over - whispers)
It's a matter of vital importance.
Grand looks at him curiously, opens one of the
envelopes.
GRAND
Looks like dust.
DARRIN
(still conspiratorial)
It looks like dust. But I want you
to find out if it really is.
GRAND
(whispers also)
You think maybe you're allergic?,
DARRIN
(a logical explanation)
That's right. I'm afraid I'm
allergic.
GRAND
And this by you is a matter of
vital importance?
DARRIN
Look, Mr. Grand, just find out
what it is.
(gestures to other envelope)
This one too. It's supposed to
be tea.
GRAND
(shrugs)
You're a good customer, so I'll
do what I can. But I don't know
about this afternoon. My wife's
brother is coming in from out of
town. By my wife, he's a matter
of vital importance. So I'm
closing the store an hour early...
20
17 CONTINUED: (3) 17
DARRIN
As soon as you can, I'll stop
by tomorrow morning.
(starts to exit)
Thank you, Mr. Grand.
GRAND
It's nothing... but I should warn
you, Mr. Stephens...
DARRIN
(immediately worried)
What?
GRAND
I don't have a security clearance.
If this is subversive dust...
DARRIN
(weak smile)
Don't - worry. It's nothing like that..
(starts out - under his breath)
I hope.
FLIP
EXT. STEPHENS HOUSE - DAY
18 As Darrin moves up to the door, there is a note 18
pinned to it. Darrin removes it, reads:
DARRIN
(reading note)
'Since you insist on knowing
where I am every minute of the
day, I have gone to the market to
pick up some things for dinner.
Any further questions will have
to wait until we get home.'
Darrin shakes his head unhappily, enters the house.
INT. LIVINGROOM - DAY
19 As Darrin enters from the entry hall. He is 19
angrily crumpling the note up into a wadded ball.
21
19 CONTINUED: (2) 19
DARRIN
(to himself)
This is terrible... terrible...
He throws the wadded paper angrily on the floor.
DARRIN (cont)
I feel like an informer... a
stool pigeon... spying on my own
wife...
He flops down on the couch, stretches out, puts his
hands over his eyes.
DARRIN (cont)
What happens if that stuff turns
out to be from the moon? What
do I do then... report her to NASA?
He groans, rolls over.
OIL DISSOLVE
INT. STEPHENS' ENTRY HALL - DAY
20 Darrin's dream. He has the door open, ready to 20
go out. Sam is clutching his coat, holding him back.
SAM
Darrin, you wouldn't. Not your
own wife...
DARRIN
I must, darling. It's my duty.
SAM
But think of Tabatha...
DARRIN
Don't worry. I'll keep you and
Tabatha out of it. I'm going to
take full responsibility.
(he breaks away)
Trust me, darling.
22
20 CONTINUED: (2) 20
He exits.
SAM
(wailing pitifully)
Darrin, Darrin...
DISSOLVE:
INT. NASA OFFICE - DAY
21 Still Darrin's dream. The office is bare except 21
for a desk and chair, behind which is a large photograph
of the moon, the one Darrin saw on television.
Two deadpan NASA officials are in the room with
Darrin, one behind the desk, the other sitting on
the edge of it. Darrin stands in front of the desk
holding his two envelopes in his hand.
He looks nervous.
ED
(first NASA man, behind desk)
All right Stephens, what have you
got that we might be interested
in? We don't waste time here at
NASA, you know. We're in a race
to the moon with the Russians,
and we're going to win it, right
Frank?
FRANK
(second NASA MAN)
Right Ed.
(to Darrin)
All right, Stephens, out with it.
Don't try to hold out on us.
DARRIN
(gesturing at the envelope)
It's these. But I won't give
them to you unless you promise
not to ask me where I got them.
ED
What is this, Stephens, conditions?
When your country's prestige is
involved?
23
21 CONTINUED: (2) 21
DARRIN
I can't reveal my source. if you don't agree, no deal.
FRANK
(the soft sell)
Mr. Stephens, I'm surprised at
you. We're representatives of
your government. Why should
we want to pry into your private
life? That's ridiculous, isn't
it, Ed?
ED
Of course, ridiculous. Now,
what's in the envelopes,
Mr. Stephens?
DARRIN
Well... it looks like house dust
and tea, but...
ED
House dust and tea, eh? We'll
see about that.
He snatches the envelopes, hands them to Frank.
ED (cont)
Run 'em through the lab, Frank.
FRANK
Right, Ed.
He exits. The phone rings. Frank picks it up.
ED
(into phone)
Hello, NASA... yes sir.
(leaps to his feet stands rigidly at attention)
Yes, SIR!
(a beat)
Uh... no, I'm afraid we won't be
able to make it by then, sir...
yes, sir, I realize it would be a
great help to you if we could get
there by election time, but....
well... the moon's a long way...
MORE
24
21 CONTINUED: (3) 21
ED (cont'd)
(moves the receiver away his ear, cringes)
Yes, sir, I'll keep that in mind,
sir... I'll think of it as a
personal favor to you, sir.
We'll do our best.
Ed hangs up. Frank re-enters quickly, moves to the
desk, throws the envelopes down.
FRANK
(significantly)
Moon dust and lunar tea.
ED
All right, Stephens, that's it.
Where'd you get it?
DARRIN
I can't tell you.
FRANK
Can that jazz, Stephens. You're
in serious trouble.
They both stare at him. Darrin looks terrified.
FLIP
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT
22 Only a straight-backed chair in which Darrin is 22
seated is visible. The rest of the room is dark,
except for a bright light in Darrin's face. Ed's
and Frank's voices come from the darkness
ED'S VOICE
Where did you get it?
DARRIN
I won't tell you.
FRANK'S VOICE
Who gave it to you?
25
CONTINUED: (2) 22
DARRIN
No one.
ED'S VOICE
Does anyone else know about this?
DARRIN
No.
FRANK'S VOICE
You're lying.
The lights go up on Larry Tate, standing in front of
Darrin. Ed and Frank each grip Larry by one arm.
ED
(to Larry)
What did you tell him?
TATE
I said it was his patriotic duty
to go to the authorities and tell
them everything he knows.
(to Darrin)
Tell them, Darrin.
DARRIN
I can't.
TATE
They won't let me watch the golf
tournament unless you tell them.
Lights out on Tate, Ed, and Frank.
ED'S VOICE
It's no good trying to worm out
of it. We know all about you,
Stephens. We have an account of
your activities, hour by hour.
Lights up on Mr. Grand, in the same position as Tate
was, with Ed and Frank holding on to his arms.
GRAND
Listen, I'm a simple, neighborhood
druggist who has to stay open on
Sunday afternoons...
FRANK
Never mind about that. What
about him?
26
22 CONTINUED: (3) 22
GRAND
Such a nice man, with a lovely
wife and an adorable daughter
with a funny name. Who could
know he was a spy?
Lights out on Grand, Ed and Frank.
ED'S VOICE
Wife? What does your wife know
about this?
DARRIN
Nothing. I swear to you, she
has nothing to do with it.
FRANK'S VOICE
Then where did you get it?
DARRIN
I refuse to answer on the grounds
that it might tend to incriminate
my wife.
ED'S VOICE
Aha! She is involved. Bring
her in, Frank.
FRANK'S VOICE
Right, Ed.
DARRIN
(yells)
NOOOOOO!!!!!
FLIP
INT. LINEUP ROOM - DAY
23 Just a blank wall with height chart, in front of 23
which Sam stands with a bright light in her eyes.
ED'S VOICE
All right, Stephens. Who is this woman?
27
23 CONTINUED: (2) 23
DARRIN'S VOICE
I never saw her before in my
life.
FRANK'S VOICE
Next.
Sam POPS OUT. Endora POPS IN.
ED'S VOICE
How about this one.
DARRIN'S VOICE
HER, I've seen.
FLIP
INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT
24 All we see are some bars. Samantha is behind them, 24
Darrin in front.
SAM
(sadly)
Darrin, how could you? What
will happen to Tabatha?
DARRIN
Sam, Sam I'm sorry. I tried to
protect you. They wormed it out
of me.
SAM
We only went for a little while.
Mother wanted to buy some tea.
ENDORA POPS IN at Darrin's side, outside the bars.
ENDORA
(to Sam)
You see? You wouldn't listen to
me. This is what comes of
marrying a mortal. They're nosy,
suspicious... always wanting to
know what you're doing, every
minute of the day.
28
24 CONTINUED: (2) 24
SAM
You were right, mother. I have
to admit it. He WAS suspicious.
He DID question me.
DARRIN
No!!! No!!!
ED'S VOICE
All right, Mrs. Stephens. It's
time.
FRANK'S VOICE
Come along, Mrs. Stephens. It's
time.
SAM
(pleading)
Not yet ... please... just a few
minutes more.
ED'S VOICE
NASA can't wait, Mrs. Stephens.
We're in a race. It's time,
DARRIN
(yelling)
Leave her alone. It's my fault.
ENDORA
For once you're right, Dagwood ...
It's your fault.
Sam begins backing up, fading away into the darkness.
SAM
(voice getting softer)
Darrin... Darrin.... Darrin... Darrin.
OIL DISSOLVE
29
INT. STEPHENS LIVINGROOM - NIGHT
25 Darrin is lying on the sofa, tossing around in the toils 25
of his nightmare. Sam stands over him, nudging his shoulder.
SAM
Darrin...Darrin...wake up.
DARRIN
(in his sleep; moaning)
No ... no...leave her alone. It's
my fault.
(opens his eyes; reacts to Sam)
Sam! You're here. They didn't take you.
SAM
Who?
DARRIN
The NASA men.
SAM
NASA men? ... that's a new one.
Are they anything like bogeymen?
(sits beside him)
Relax, darling. You were having a nightmare.
DARRIN
(sits up; shakes his head)
Whew...where's Tabatha?
SAM
Upstairs in bed. She was exhausted.
What were you dreaming about?
DARRIN
The space agency...they were giving me the third degree about
where I got the moon dust.
SAM
Moon dust?
DARRIN
And then your mother was there,
and Larry Tate, and Grand...
(remembers; horrified)
GRAND!!
SAM
Who's Grand?
30
25 CONTINUED: DARRIN 25
Mr. Grand, the druggist. I
gave him the dust and the tea
to be analyzed.
He gets up, begins to pace, very disturbed. Sam looks very
puzzled.
DARRIN (cont'd)
Why did you have to go to the
moon? Especially right after
we talked about it.
SAM
Darrin, are you sure you're awake?
DARRIN
All right, Sam...cut it out. I
know all about it. This morning,
while I was at Larry Tate's, you
and your mother went to the moon.
You came back here covered with
moon dust with a package of lunar
tea.
SAM
Darrin, I'm worried about you.
DARRIN
(pointing an accusatory finger)
Did you, or did you not tell me
this morning that you had been
to the moon many times...that...
that you had been on picnics
there?
SAM
Oh for heavens' sake.
DARRIN
And later, when I came back from
Larry's, and I asked you where
you had been, did you not say,
and I quote, 'to the moon'?
SAM
If I'd told you I'd been to the
North Star, would you have
believed that too? I was kidding.
31
25 CONTINUED: (2) DARRIN 25
Sam...believe me...I have not
suddenly gone spooky. When
other women...mortal women...
say they've been to the moon,
you figure, okay...figure of
speech. But when you say it,
that's something else altogether. And then when I saw
the dust ... and the tea...the
tea was green, remember.
SAM
Darrin...all Japanese tea is green.
DARRIN
(going right on)
And then you said you and your
mother went out...
(stops)
Japanese? What's Japan got to
do with this?
SAM
That's where I went this morning. You see, mother came over
and sort of insisted I go shopping with her. Well, it was
Sunday here and all the stores
are closed, so we went to Japan
where it was still Saturday.
That's all there was to it.
DARRIN
And you expect me to believe that?
SAM
You believe I went to the moon,
but you won't believe I went to Japan?
DARRIN
But why were you so evasive when
I asked you where you'd been?
SAM
Because I felt guilty about going when I had so much housework
to do, and besides, I know how
you feel about my going with
mother on her little expeditions.
32
25 CONTINUED: (3) 25
DARRIN
But you said you'd been to the
moon.
SAM
That was because I was annoyed
with you for asking so many
questions.
DARRIN
(immense relief)
Then you haven't been to the
moon?
SAM
(dry)
Not recently, no.
DARRIN
(warningly)
Sam...
SAM
(raising right hand)
Darrin, I swear and affirm that
I did not leave the earth today.
Darrin swoops down, pulls Sam up into his arms, hugs her
delightedly.
DARRIN
Darling, that's marvelous. I
don't even care that I made a
fool of myself giving Mr. Grand
plain old ordinary house dust
to analyze.
SAM
(laughing; in his arms)
Poor Mr. Grand. I'll bet he
thinks you're spooky.
DARRIN
(laughing)
Ordinary house dust and ordinary
Japanese tea.
SAM
Uh ... Darrin?
(he lets her go)
It's not exactly ordinary Japanese tea.
33
25 CONTINUED: (4) 25
DARRIN
What do you mean?
SAM
(hesitant)
Well...you see ... mother knows
this Japanese herbalist, and
he's...it's warlock's tea.
Darrin sinks down on the couch.
DARRIN
Then... then Mr. Grand won't be
able to analyze it. He'll think...
I don't know what he'll think.
Sam sits down with him.
SAM
I don't think there's anything
to worry about. He'll just
think it's something he's never
heard of, and that'll be the
end of it.
DARRIN
(partially reassured)
I guess you're right.
The phone rings. Darrin answers it.
DARRIN
(into phone)
Hello. Oh hello, Mr. Grand...
Sam and Darrin exchange looks.
INT. DRUGSTORE - NIGHT
26 Grand is on the phone near the cash register. INTERCUT with 26
the Stephens' livingroom.
GRAND
Mr. Stephens...about that ... ah...
matter of national importance...
the stuff that looks like house
dust...it is housedust. No microfilm, no nothing. Just housedust...
DARRIN
(relieved)
Oh., well thanks for your trouble,
Mr. Grand...
34
26 CONTINUED: 26
GRAND
But the other stuff...that looks
like tea...
DARRIN
(quickly)
Mr. Grand, that was a mistake.
It IS tea ...
GRAND
That's where you're wrong. I
put it through every test I got,
and there's something in there
that is definitely not tea.
DARRIN
(worried)
It doesn't matter. It's probably
just a rare blend you're not familiar with.
GRAND
I even gave it to my bother-in-
law to look at. The one from
Nassau...
He pronounces it NASA. Darrin looks horrified.
DARRIN
NASA?! Your brother-in-law's
from NASA?
GRAND
Yeah. He's in town for the
weekend...with the kids. He
thinks you ought to take it to
a chemist.
DARRIN
Mr. Grand, I don't want you to
do another thing. Just forget
about it. You've gone to enough
trouble...
GRAND
No trouble at all. We've got to
walk by your place on the way
home, so we'll drop it off. See
you in a few minutes.
He hangs up.
35
INT. STEPHENS LIVINGROOM
27 Darrin hangs up, turns to Sam. 27
DARRIN
Sam, I want you to go upstairs
immediately. And don't come
down until they're gone.
SAM
(puzzled)
What for?
DARRIN
Don't ask questions. Just do
what I say. Don't worry. I
got you into this, and I'll get
you out.
SAM
Darrin, there's nothing to worry
about. Why should a man who
works for NASA be interested in
tea?
DARRIN
It's not just tea. It's warlock's
tea. What if he insists on our
having it analyzed by a real chemist?
SAM
Oh...Mr. Watanabe wouldn't like
that. It's his secret formula.
DARRIN
(getting a bit hysterical)
Who cares about Mr. Watanabe's
secret formula? It's a witches
brew, and that means it's got
something in it no laboratory
in the world is going to be able
to analyze. Don't you see what
that could mean?
SAM
(beat)
You're right. There IS something to worry about. And I
think I know a way out of it.
FLIP TO:
36
INT. STEPHENS ENTRY HALL - NIGHT
28 Sam has her hand on the doorknob. Darrin is right behind 28
her, looking very nervous.
DARRIN
(whispers)
Sam, I wish you'd go upstairs
and let me handle this.
SAM
(also low)
It'll sound more logical coming
from me. Cross your fingers.
She opens the door, revealing Grand and ANOTHER MAN, Grand's
brother-in-law. He is tall and somewhat grim-faced.
SAM
(quickly)
Mr. Grand, I feel just terrible
about all the trouble we've put
you to ... especially since it
was all a mistake. You see, my
mother is very fond of home remedies. You know how old-fashioned
some mothers are. Well, when she
found out that Darrin is allergic
to house dust, she insisted on
giving him some of her favorite
remedy. She said it was a special kind of tea, but Darrin is
suspicious of home remedies anyway, so that's why he took it to
you to be analyzed. Now it turns
out it isn't tea at all. I just
spoke to my mother and she admitted that it's a special blend of
herbs and spices that she got
from a Japanese herbalist. I
guess they make some pretty strange
concoctions...
HARRY
(the brother-in-law)
Lady, this stuff is more than
strange...
He is holding the envelope and gestures with it as he talks.
Sam quickly twitches. A sudden gust of wind comes up and
blows the envelope out of Harry's hand. It drops to the
ground and the tea all blows away.
HARRY (cont'd)
Hey, what happened? There's no
wind tonight.
37
28 CONTINUED: 28
SAM
It comes up suddenly sometimes,
doesn't it?
(re the envelope)
What a shame! That was the last
of it too.
GRAND
Mr. and Mrs. Stephens, this is
my brother-in-law, Harry Kahn
from Nassau.
(sounds like NASA)
Harry
How do you do. ..You mean you
don't have any more?
SAM
I'm sorry. You'll just have to
tell them down at the space
agency.
HARRY
What space agency? I own a
string of cut-rate drug stores.
SAM
(puzzled)
I thought you were from NASA.
HARRY
Sure, Nassau County, Long Island.
(Darrin sags visibly; Harry stares at him)
Hey, what's the matter with him?
SAM
It must be the allergy. Night
air, you know. Very bad. Well,
thanks again, Mr. Grand. Nice
to have met you, Mr. Kahn.
Good-night.
They look very puzzled as Sam Shuts the door, turns to Darrin.
SAM
Darrin, are you all right? Come
inside. I'll fix you a cup of
tea.
DARRIN
(loud)
No. No tea.
CONTINUED:
38
28 CONTINUED: (2) 28
DARRIN (cont'd)
(smiles; puts his arms around her)
How about a moonlight cocktail
instead?
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
INT. STEPHENS BEDROOM - NIGHT
29 Sam, in a negligee, is standing by the window, staring 29
outside. Darrin enters in pajamas.
SAM
(over her shoulder)
Darling, come over here. You
can see the lady in the moon.
DARRIN
(moving to her)
You mean the man in the moon.
SAM
How do you know it's a man?
DARRIN
Everyone knows it's a man.
Just look at it.
SAM
(shrugs)
Could be a lady.
DARRIN
(hesitant)
Sam...there's something I've
been meaning to ask you...you
said before that you hadn't
been to the moon today. But
you didn't say that you'd
never been to the moon.
SAM
(noncommittal)
Mmm.
DARRIN
Well ... have you?
39
29 CONTINUED: 29
SAM
Have I what?
DARRIN
Been to the moon...ever?
SAM
(turning to him)
Darling, you don't want to know
everything about me, do you?
Then I wouldn't be mysterious
and alluring anymore. Besides,
there are some things a wife
should never tell her husband.
And whether or not she's been
to the moon is one of them.
She kisses him, but he looks vaguely dissatisfied.
FADE OUT:
THE END
