FADE IN:
INT. STEPHENS KITCHEN - DAY
1 It is Morning and SAMANTHA, in apron, is sitting 1
at table with TABITHA. There are eight apples on
the table. Samantha pushes five to Tabitha, keeping
three.
SAMANTHA
Now, Tabitha, if you have five apples ... and you get three more
apples gives her three apples)
...how many apples do you have?
TABITHA
Eight apples.
SAMANTHA
Very good!
DARRIN enters and stands by door, unnoticed. He is dressed for work and
carries attache case and a large ad layout. He watches silently and proudly.
SAMANTHA (cont'd)
Now think carefully, Tabitha... take away two of the apples, and how
many are left?
TABITHA
Take away two apples? ... that's easy, Mommy,
(she wiggles her nose and two apples disappear)
That leaves six apples.
(she giggles)
DARRIN
Sam, what's going on?
SAMANTHA (hopefully)
New math?
DARRIN
(unimpressed)
All right, Tabitha, bring back the apples.
SAMANTHA
That's right, Honey ... those Winesaps cost 39 cents a pound.
TABITHA
Okay.
She does her nose thing and two apples POP IN to Darrin's hands.
DARRIN
(flat)
Thanks Tabitha.
TABITHA
You want more apples, Daddy?
DARRIN
No. no...that's fine,
Samantha rises.
SAMANTHA
Lessons' over, Tabitha.
Samantha crosses to Darrin.
SAMANTHA (cont'd)
She's really ready for kindergarten.
DARRIN
I think she's ready for the Ed Sullivan show.
Suddenly ENDORA POPS IN.
ENDORA
(to Samantha)
Good morning, Sweetheart.
(kisses Tabitha)
Tabitha.
TABITHA
Hi, Grandmama.
ENDORA
Good morning, Durwood.
DARRIN it was, wasn't it?
SAMANTHA
Mother, Darrin and I are having an important discussion so if you don't mind...
ENDORA
(interrupting)
Of course! What could be more important than Tabitha's education? Fortunately,
I've solved your problem.
She makes a grand gesture.
ENDORA (cont'd)
May I present Professor Poindexter Phipps.
There is a PUFF OF SMOKE and the PROFESSOR POPS IN. He is dressed tweedily
British, gray hair, mustache,
DARRIN
Forget it, Endora! Tabitha is not going to have a warlock for a teacher.
ENDORA
Why not? She's got a witch for a mother.
Darrin starts to resist as the Professor crosses to Tabitha. She stands up.
PHIPPS
So here's my student, Tabitha. There's a good girl, stand straight.
Phipps throws his shoulders back, then Tabitha does.
ENDORA
Professor, this is my daughter, Samantha.
PHIPPS
How'd youdo?...
He holds his hand out to Darrin.
PHIPPS (cont'd) ... you must be Durwood.
DARRIN
Try Darrin.
Phipps notices the apple in Darrin's hand.
PHIPPS
Oh, an apple for the teacher. Good form ... for a mortal.
He takes the apple, rubs it on his sleeve. Darrin crooks his finger at
Samantha, indicating she follow him into the hall.
'INT. HALLWAY - DAY
2 as an angry Darrin and a tentative Samantha enter. 2
SAMANTHA
Sweetheart, mother's just trying to help.
DARRIN
Why is it whenever your mother's trying to help me, I get the feeling that
someone else should be shaving my head.
SAMANTHA
You will admit it's time Tabitha was getting a formal education, won't you?
DARRIN Sam, don't start getting logical.
SAMANTHA Why not?
DARRIN Because around here after logic usually comes disaster.
SAMANTHA Sweetheart, who could be more qualified to teach a young witch
thirsting for knowledge than a warlock?
DARRIN
I guess it can't hurt to try... but only if you promise the Professor
will teach Tabitha in a perfectly normal, perfectly mortal way.
SAMANTHA
I promise ... witches' honor.
He reacts. She kisses him quickly.
SAMANTHA (cont'd)
I mean, right. Come on, let's lay out the ground rules for the Professor.
As they exit. Samantha, eagerly -- Darrin with fear and trepidation.
FADE OUT:
END TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. KITCHEN - TWO SHOT - ENDORA AND PROFESSOR
3 ENDORA 3
I should have warned you,
Professor Phipps, Durwood
is a little eccentric.
CAMERA PULLS BACK to include Samantha and Darrin.
PHIPPS
It's no matter. I'll be happy to comply. Mr. Stephens,
let me put it this way ... it's true I am.
a warlock. But first I am an
educator. I do not teach witchcraft. I teach the
arts...music,literature, etc.
SAMANTHA
The mortal way.
PHIPPS
As you wish.
(to Tabitha)
I think the patio would be suitable for the classroom.
He starts to exit. Tabitha does exit with Darrin following.
PHIPPS (cont'd)
(puts his hand up)
As long as we're laying down ground rules, I've got one of my own.
Parents shall not be present. Especially male patents.
DARRIN
Fair enough...
(picks up his layouts)
I'm due at the office anyway.
He starts to kiss Samantha as Phipps takes one of the layouts and
looks at it. It's a picture of a smiling cat kicking over a bowl
of milk while munching a tiny cupake. The caption reads: "Don't
cry over spilt milk ... feed me Kitty Kakes instead." Beside the
cat is a box of Kitty Kakes and under the box is a legend "Neat'n
nourishing".
PHIPPS Is this a sample of your work?
DARRIN
(proud)
Why, yes. that's a little campaign I dreamed up.
PHIPPS
(ridiculing)
Don't cry over spilt milk"... "Neat'r. nourishing".
(woefully)
Your daughter is acquiring a tutor none too soon.
SAMANTHA
It's not meant to be literature Professor it's one of Darrin's
advertising campaigns.
DARRIN
And I might add, a highly successful advertising campaign
...Endora, normal people like to identify with a familiar
phrase like "Don't cry over spilt milk.
ENDORA
Why don't you call those "Phrases" what they are...? Cliches!
PHIPPS
Mortal, verbal mediocrity.
Darrin starts to react. Samantha puts her hand on his arm.
PHIPPS
If you'll excuse me, I'll get on with Tabitha's lessons.
He exits with Tabitha.
SAMANTHA
Mother, the art of creating familiar prases to catch the
eye of the public an important part of the advertising business.
DARRIN
Sam, forget it. I'm late for the office.
(pleasantly)
Goodbye Endora. I'm sorry I haven't time to stay and chat but
if you're able to drop in tomorrow morning I certainly hope not.
He gives Samantha a quick kiss and exits. Endora hisses after
him.
ENDORA
(thoughtfully)
Samantha, is it really true that if Durwood could think up more
of those so-called..."Phrases" he would be more successful doing
whatever it is he does.
SAMANTHA
Of course. Advertising men get paid a lot of money to come up with
clever slogans.
ENDORA
(Cheshire smile)
Really.
SAMANTHA
(worried)
Now, mother.
Endora POPS OUT
CUT TO:
OKIT SCENES 4. 5. 6. 7.
INT. HALLWAY - MC MANN & TATE'BUILDING DAY
8 This is the same day. 8
ANGLE
an elevator doors as they open and Darrin starts out.
ELEVATOR BOY
Have a nice day, Mr. Stephens.
Suddenly he and the Elevator Boy FREEZE and Endora POPS IN and
incants.
ENDORA
"Spirits north and spirits south, Let my spell control your
mouth. Let Durwood find to his dismay, That all his words
are now cliche.
She makes another gesture and POPS OUT as Darrin and the
Elevator Boy UNFREEZE.
DARRIN
Thanks Ted.
(as an afterthought)
But nothing comes easy. And the proof of the pudding is
in the tasting. The trick is always to walk softly and carry
a big stick.
ELEVATOR BOY
(puzzled) That's what they say.
DARRIN
(a little confused)
They sure do say that, don't they?
INT. MC MANN & TATE OUTER OFFICE - DAY
9 Darrin enters. BETTY is typing at her desk
which is piled high with papers.
DARRIN
Good morning, Betty. How's
the girl?
BETTY
Busy, Mr. Stephens. Mr. Tate
wants all these reports finished
by ten.
DARRIN
When it rains, it pours, doesn't
it?
BETTY
It sure does.
DARRIN
But remember one thing, Betty,
you should thank your lucky stars
because idle hands are the devil's
plaything and a rolling stone
gathers no moss.
BETTY
(looks at him strangely)
I'll try to remember that Mr. Stephens.
DARRIN
That's the old spirit.
Darrin walks briskly to his office.
CUT TO:
INT. STEPHENS PATIO - DAY
10 Professor Phipps is reading to Tabitha from 10
a book which is largely printed "OLIVER TWIST".
There is a blackboard in evidence.
PHIPPS
And there, in the back streets of London, Oliver met the Artful
Dodger, the young ringleader of a gang of boy thieves.
TABITHA
What did Artful look like?
PHIPPS
Well, he was About this tall... and skinny ... with a smudge on
his nose ... and he wore a tall silk hat.
TABITHA Was he handsome?
PHIPPS I've got it ... why don't I show you?
Phipps gestures and the ARTFUL DODGER POPS IN. He is right out
of Dickens, a ragamuffin wearing oversize cutaway coat, vest,
tattered hat, scarf, high shoes. He is about twelve years old
with cockney accent.
PHIPPS (cont'd)
Tabitha I'd like you to meet the Artful Dodger.
DODGER
(bows deeply)
Charmed, m'dear.
Tabitha giggles.
CUT TO:
*OMIT SCENE 11
INT. STEPHENS BEDROOM - DAY
*11A Samantha and Endora are playing with the baby 11A*
on the bed.
12 CLOSE ANGLE ON SMILING BABY 12
SAMANTHA
He looks just like Darrin, doesn't he?
ENDORA
Nonsense! Babies always have that bewildered expression.
SAMANTHA
Mother! I'm going to sneak down and take a peek at Tabitha's
lesson...coming?
ENDORA
In a moment, I want to play with my grandson.
Samantha exits, as we:
CUT TO:
EXT. STEPHENS PATIO - DAY
13 DODGER 13
So me and Oliver and a nice
gentleman named Fagin went
imto business together...y'see
Tabitha, m'dear?
Suddenly the Dodger points o.s. to divert Tabitha and Phipps.
DODGER (cont'd)
Upon my word!...what a beautiful thrush.
As Tabitha and Phipps look o.s., the Dodger slips a silver
lighter into his coat pocket. At this moment, Samantha arrives
and takes it all in.
SAMANTHA
Professor! ... who in the world is this?
DODGER
(bowing and kissing Samantha's hand)
The Artful Dodger at your service, fair lady.
As he kisses Samantha's hand,, he slips her ring off.
SAMANTHA
(hand out, palm up)
My ring, please.
DODGER
Ring?..What ring?
SAMANTHA
The one you just removed from my finger.
DODGER
(opens hand, finds ring)
Oh ... so I did.
(looks at his fingernail)
It must be this hangnail. It catches everything.
(hands ring back)
PHIPPS
Isn't he wonderful, Samantha... a page out of Dickens
come to life.
SAMANTHA,
Professor. You promised us there wouldn't be any witchcraft.
PHIPPS
I promised I wouldn't teach witchcraft ... and I haven't.
The Dodger here is merely a part of my audio-visual technique.
SAMANTHA
I doubt if Darrin would see it
that way. Why don't we just
return to the pages of literature.
PHIPPS
(majestic)
I'll return my teaching aid from whence he came when I decide
this lesson is aver! Is that clear?
SAMANTHA
(not intimidated)
Now just a moment, Professor.
I want it clearly understood...
PROFESSOR
(very firm)
Is that.clear?
SAMANTHA
(intimidated)
Oh, perfectly, Professor.
Samantha turns to the Dodger.
SAMANTHA (cont'd)
(firmly)
In the meantime, Mr. Dodger, would you mind returning my lighter?
DODGER
Lighter?
SAMANTHA You know, the one in your pocket...
(she twitches)
Dodger reacts startled, reaches into his pocket and brings out the
lighter, lit. He gingerly puts it down on the table.
DODGER Ow!...me 'and!
SAMANTHA
(passes her hand into the flame) It isn't even warm. I
Just wanted to teach you a lesson.
DODGER
(whining to Phipps)
She's worse than the magistrate. 'Ow'd she do that, governor?
CUT TO:
INT DARRIN'S OFFICE - DAY
14 Darrin is working at his desk as LARRY enters 14
carrying some papers.
LARRY
Darrin, these sales figures for Kitty Kakes are fantastic...
thanks to your slogan.
(he gestures toward layout)
DARRIN
The public bought it hook, line and sinker, didn't they?
LARRY
I'll say,you son of a gun and Multiple Industries couldn't
be happier.
DARRIN
Tickled pink, huh?
LARRY
(rubbing his fingers)
The color is more like green...
(puts arm around Darrin) Mr. Phrasemaker...and some of that
green will be a bonus for you.
DARRIN
A bonus? That'll be a sight for sore eyes.
LARRY
(beginning to notice)
Right!..anyway, H.B. Summers, Multiple's head of marketing, wants
you to create a slogan for their farm machinery division. How do
you like that?
DARRIN
I don't.
LARRY
You know, the accoustics are lousy in this room. I could have
sworn you just said...
DARRIN
I already have a campaign worked out for the farm machinery,
What's good for the goose, doesn't necessarily mean it'll be
good for the gander.
LARRY
Darrin, this gander wants slogans, and if we don't come up
with some our goose is cooked.
DARRIN
We should put this in the think tank awhile.
LARRY
(suspiciously)
What's the matter with you? You sound like an encyclopedia
of cliches.
DARRIN
You can't judge a book by its cover,
LARRY
There you go again!
DARRIN
(realizing, eyes narrowed)
You're right.
(trying to laugh it off)
Cliches are like popcorn. Once you get started, you can't stop.
(feeble laugh)
LARRY
Pull yourself together, Darrin. Multiple Industries makes
everything from safety pins to bull dozers. All we need is
a few good slogans and we're in.
Larry hands him a piece of paper.
LARRY (cont'd)
Here's a list of all their products ... can you come up with
something by noon?
DARRIN
Larry, I don't like to blow my own horn.
LARRY
That's perfect!
DARRIN
For what?
LARRY
Their Musical Instruments Division.
Darrin grabs his attache case and starts out,
LARRY (cont'd)
Where are you going?
DARRIN
Uh...home sweet home. You know, when the cat's away,
the mice will play.
LARRY
Huh?
DARRIN
What I meant was, I left something at home.
(opening door)
I'd forget my head if it wasn't fastened on.
LARRY
All right, but be quick about it...we have a lunch date
with Summers at the Blue Boar at one.
DARRIN
Larry ... I'll be there to grab the bull by the horns,
before any more water passes under the bridge.
He exits. Larry stares after him bewildered.
FLIP TO:
*OMIT SCENE 15 and 16
INT. STEPHENS ENTRANCE HALL - DAY
17 Darrin bursts in and slams door behind him. 17
DARRIN
Sam!!
Samantha is in living room, dusting.
SAMANTHA
Hi, Sweetheart ... what's the matter?
DARRIN What's the matter? I'll try to keep a civil tongue in my
mouth and at the same time talk turkey...I smell a rat.
SAMANTHA Darrin, why are you talking so funny?
DARRIN
Because someone put a spell on me! And i'll bet dollars to
donuts I know who did it.
SAMANTHA
(calling o.s.)
Mother!
Endora breezes in from kitchen.
ENDORA
Yes, Sweetheart.
SAMANTHA
Did you put a spell on Darrin?
ENDORA
(innocently)
I cannot tell a lie ... I did place a friendly little spell on
Durwood. But I was just trying to be helpful.
DARRIN
A friendly spell. Boy, with friends like you who needs enemies?
There I go again. Every other word that comes out of my mouth
is a cliche.
ENDORA
But I thought that was the idea, in your noble profession.
The more cliches, the merrier.
DARRIN
That's the last straw. You tell her to button her lip!
SAMANTHA
All right, Mother ... your so-called joke is over. Now remove
the spell.
Professor Phipps enters, disturbed at the noise.
PHIPPS
Would it be presumptious of me to request just a little silence
during school hours?
SAMANTHA
Sorry, Professor, we'll try to be quieter
(whispering threateningly) Mother ... if you don't remove that
spell...!!
The Artful Dodger enters.
DODGER
...Oh, I say, a handsome gentleman. Me hand, sir.
(he shakes Darrin's hand)
DARRIN
Sam....who's this?
SAMANTHA
One thing at a time Sweetheart.
The spell,remember?
Samantha directs the Dodger and Phipps toward the patio. As
she goes:
SAMANTHA
Mother!
ENDORA
Very well. I'll take the spell off. Hmm! Try to do someone
a good turn.
Endora gestures and we hear a weird sound as Samantha returns,
SAMANTHA
Okay, Sweetheart ... say something.
DARRIN
I'll say something. Who is that English kid in there?...
(noticing his watch is missing) ... and where is my watch?!
SAMANTHA
I think your second question answered your first question...
he's the Artful Dodger from Oliver Twist ... one of the
Professor's audio-visual techiniques. Cute huh?
She smiles. He glares. She sours.
DARRIN
That settles it. I said no witchcraft, and he used witchcraft.
The Professor goes, Sam.
ENDORA
Now, wait a minute, Durwood.
DARRIN
Endora, you've been a busy little bee...now buzz off!
ENDORA
(incensed)
Really!
Endora SNAPS HER FINGERS and POPS OUT
SAMANTHA
I hope mother's going to be a good sport about this.
They both look around with some concern.
EXT. CHIMNEY OF STEPHENS HOUSE - DAY
Endora sits an top of chimney, scheming. 18
ENDORA
So, I'm a busy little bee, am I? All right I can sting too!
I said I'd take off the spell, but I didn't say I'd leave
it off ... and this time, I'll add something to make it a
lot more interesting.
FADE OUT:
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. STEPHENS LIVING ROOM - DAY
19 It is a few moments later and Darrin is putting 19
some papers in his attache case as Samantha enters
carrying his watch.
SAMANTHA
Here's your watch, Sweetheart. The Dodger has this problem
with a hangnail.
DARRIN
(putting watch on)
I'll bet! Sam if I don't leave now, I'll be late for my
lunch meeting ... but I want it clearly understood that
when I return, the Professor and that Kleptomaniac will
be out of here.
SAMANTHA
It's as good as done, Sweetheart.
They cross to the door and he kisses her and exits.
EXT STEPHENS HOUSE - DAY
20 As Darrin closes front door and starts to walk 20
toward car.
EXT CHIMNEY OF STEPHENS HOUSE - DAY
21 Endora, sitting an chimney, angrily looking 21
down at Darrin.
ENDORA
Ah, there goes my little pigeon.
(she makes a gesture)
22 ANGLE - DARRIN 22
He FREEZES.
23 ANGLE ON ENDORA
ENDORA
(incanting)
"The spell, I renew,
You boorish lout.
Your cliches will be few,
But you'll act them out!
She smiles and laughs silently.
24 ANGLE ON DARRIN 24
as he's RELEASED from the FREEZE, reacts slightly and
then moves off toward the car.
25 ANGLE ON ENDORA 25
laughing.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
26 Its lush appearance, despite the cheap construction, 26
is a tribute to the genius of Bob Purcell. Darrin
enters and moves toward the HEAD WAITER.
DARRIN
Has Mr. Tate arrived?
HEAD WAITER
Yes ... he and another gentleman
have been here for a few minutes.
I'll take you to their table.
DARRIN
(looking at his watch) it's one fifteen already. Time
sure flies.
At this, Darrin's WATCH FLOATS off his wrist and INTO
the air in front of him and the Waiter. He grabs it out
of the air and puts it back on. The Waiter stares
unbelieving. Darrin is puzzled.
HEAD WAITER
How did you do that?
DARRIN
Sorry, It's a family secret. Will you tell Mr. Tate that
Mr, Stephens called to say he couldn't make it.
Darrin starts to leave,
LARRY'S VOICE
There you are, Darrin.
Larry enters SHOT.
LARRY (cont'd)
Come on, Summers is anxious to meet you,
He pulls him inside the restaurant.
CUT TO:
27 ANGLE - LARRY'S TABLE 27
Larry and Darrin walk up to table. H.B. SUMMERS,
a middleaged businessman rises as they arrive.
LARRY
H.B. Summers, meet Darrin Stephens, better known
as "The Slogan King".
H.B.
(shaking Darrin's hand)
My pleasure Stephens.. I'm a great admirer of yours.
DARRIN
Thank you, Mr. Summers.
H. B.
H.B. to my friends. Your my kind of ad man, Stephens.
Your campaigns are clever ..they hit the nail right
on the head.
LARRY
Right, H.B. Darrin has the genius to get through to
the common man.
H.B.
Now, Tate was telling me about your latest slogan.
He blows an imaginary trumpet, moving fingers.
H.B (cont'd)
"Blow your own horn". I think it's...
(feins punch toward Darrin) ,,,knockout.
DARRIN
Thanks H.B .... I wish I could see eye to eye...
(Darrin's eyes CROSS)
Larry reacts as Darrin hits his head with his hand
and his eyes come back to NORMAL.
DARRIN (cont'd)
...with you,
Darrin looks around the room, puzzled.
LARRY
Darrin, are you all right?
DARRIN
Sure, sure, I was just attempting to point out that
slogans can be overdone. Now I have a campaign worked
out for your farm machinery division.
H.B.
(interrupting)
Forget it!! Now, I have a little idea myself for our
Bulldozer Division. What do you think of this? "Make
molehills out of mountains." Get it ... it's kind of
a twist.
LARRY
Of course we get it, H.B., and it's
(feins punch)
...knockout. Right Darrin?
DARRIN
Truthfully, no. It doesn't really ring the bell.
At this we hear the loud ringing of bells. Darrin's
eyes widen in realization.
H.B.
Speaking of bells. What was that?
DARRIN
Two bells and all's well. It's an old custom here.
That reminds me, I've got to call home.
LARRY
Do you have to do it now?
DARRIN
Yes. Just order me a club sandwich, Larry, I'll be
back quicker thin you ran say Jack Robinson.
LARRY AND H.B.
(together)
Jack Robinson!!
DARRIN
(laughing nervously)
That's very good.
Darrin exits.
H. B.
to Larry)
Why did we say that?
LARRY
I don't know. Maybe it's catching.
FLIP TO:
INT, STEPHENS LIVING ROOM - DAY
28 Samantha at phone. 28
SAMANTHA
I warned you...mother's very sensitive about being
told to "buzz off'.
INT, RESTAURANT - DAY
29 Darrin in phone booth. 29
DARRIN
There aren't as many cliches, now, but when I do
say one... it comes'true'.
INT. STEPEENS LIVING ROOM - DAY
30 SAMANTHA 30
Now calm down, Sweetheart.
I'll find mother.
Samantha listens as we hear!
DARRIN'S VOICE
(filtered)
You're right, Sam. I've got to get a grip on myself.
We hear the sound of the receiver falling on
the other end of the line, Samantha reacts
with concern,
SAMANTHA
Darrin, are you all right?
CUT TO:
INT PAY PHONE - DAY
31 CLOSE SHOT - of receiver dangling as we hear 31
SAMANTHA'S VOICE
(filtered)
Darrin?...Darrin?
We WIDEN SHOT and PAN UP to SEE Darrin struggling with
the "grip he has on himself". His hands are clutching,
his upper arms. He struggles for a moment, pulls one
hand free, and with that one, frees the other hand and
picks up the receiver.
DARRIN
Hello.
SAMANTHA
What happened?
DARRIN
I'll tell you later. Just track down your Mother, fast.
Larry arrives on SCENE
DARRI.N (cont'd)
(seeing Larry)
'Bye, Sam.
(hangs up phone)
LARRY
Darrin! You can't insult a man's brainchild and then
walk away. What's bothering you?
DARRIN
I couldn't begin to tell you.
LARRY
Well, get a grip an yourself:,
DARRIN
I already tried that.
They exit.
INT. LARRY'S TABLE - DAY
32 As Larry and Darrin enter SCENE and sit down. 32
DARRIN
Sorry for the interruption... now back to the problem
of slogans ... I devote a lot of my time keeping in
touch with the public. You might say, keeping my ear
to the ground.
At this moment we hear a weird, whining sound and Darrin's
HEAD is DRAWN to the floor until his EAR touches the GROUND.
He tries to get up, but he can't.
LARRY
(to H.B.)
Another one of those clever demonstrations, H.B.
(sotto to Darrin)
Would you like to get up now, Darrin?
Darrin is straining to get up and after a beat we hear
a loud hollow popping sound and Darrin's EAR is RELEASED
from the floor. He laughs.
DARRIN
Gentlemen, I don't think I feel well...I'd better go home.
H.B.
Was it something I said?
DARRIN
Not at all, H.B. but I'd better shake a leg.
Darrin
EXTENDS one LEG and SHAKES it violently. Larry and H.B.
stare at him peculiarly. Darrin RECOVERS.
DARRIN
So if you don't mind, I'll just bow out.
We hear a boing and Darrin DOUBLES OVER AND BACKS OUT of
the room BOWING.
H. B.
How come all the creative ones have a screw loose upstairs?
LARRY
H.B., as of this moment, Stephens is off your account.
H.B.
Why? Stephens may be a ding-a-ling but he's got the magic
touch.
LARRY
Exactly and that's why he'll be with you as long as you
want him.
H.B. gives him a peculiar look as we
FLIP TO:
INT STEPHENS ENTRY HALL - DAY
33 Darrin bursts into the door. 33
DARRIN
(calling)
Sam! ... Sam, where are you?
SAMANTHA'S VOICE
I'm in the nursery...be right down.
DARRIN
Did you reach your Mother? I don't know whether
I'm coming or going.
At this Darrin quickly WALKS FORWARD a few steps,
puts down his case, then, by REVERSING FILM picks
up case and quickly WALKS BACKWARDS out of door.
(UNDERCRANK). At this point Samantha walks downstairs
holding empty feeding bottle, finds no Darrin.
SAMANTHA
Darrin?
Darrin enters through door again.
SAMANTHA (contd)
I thought I heard you come in.
DARRIN
You did. But your Mother's spell is at work.
We hear a car stop. Samantha and Darrin peek out window.
SAMANTHA
It's Larry.
Darrin indicates for Samantha to be quiet.
DARRIN
(whispering) We're not home.
OMIT SCENE 34
EXT, STEPHENS FRONT DOOR - DAY
35 Larry and H.B., in hats and overcoats, are im- 35
patiently ringing door bell.
LARRY
You wanted the slogan king you'll get the slogan king
if I have to bring him in in a net, (calling and trying
door knob)
Darrin!...
(nothing -- calls again)
Darrin!!
He turns embarrassed to H.B. then walks to living room
window which is partially open and opens it all the way,
H.B.
Tate, what are you doing?
LARRY
(embarrassed) Darrin and I have an understanding. If he
doesn't answer the doorbell I'm supposed to crawl in the window.
H.B. stares at him oddly.
INT. STEPHENS LIVING ROOM - DAY
36 As Larry climbs through the window. 36
LARRY
There you are, Darrin.
(turns to open window)
Come on in, H.B.
A rather befuddled H.B. climbs through the window.
DARRIN
Oh, hi Larry. I was just going to open the door.
LARRY
(a might miffed)
Yeah, quicker than I could say Jack Robinson...Sam,
thank goodness you're here, Maybe you can talk some
sense into your husband.
DARRIN Sorry, Larry. I won't have anything to do with
a campaign based on slogans!
LARRY
Darrin, I don't know what you have against slogans.
Some of them contain a lot of wisdom....Remeber the
one that goes "A fool and his job are soon parted"?
H.B. Come on Stephens ... we're grown men. Why don't
we reach a compromise.
DARRIN
All right, H.B...if you'll
play ball with me, I'll play
ball with you.
At this, first H.B., then DARRIN POP INTO METS BASEBALL
UNIFORMS. The POPPING takes place on "me", and "you".
Darrin, Larry and H.B. stare unbelieving. At this moment,
Samantha steps in and TWITCHES. THE THREE MEN FREEZE.
SAMANTHA
(angrily)
Mother! Come here this instant!
Samantha stands waiting, frustrated.
FADE OUT:
END ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. INT. STEPHENS LIVING ROOM - DAY
37 It is a few moments later. Samantha stands 37
waiting angrily for Endora. The THREE MEN ARE
STILL FROZEN in the b.g. Samantha is shaking
her fist skyward.
SAMANTHA
Mother!...Mother!! You'd better materialize, and fast!
Endora POPS IN.
ENDORA
That isn't a very affectionate way to summon one's mother.
SAMANTHA
After what you've done to Darrin, what do you expect,
"The Witches Love Call"?
ENDORA
(looking at the men)
Well ... to coin a mortal phrase, it looks like they
bored each other stiff.
SAMANTHA
Very amusing, Mother...but just undo your thing.
ENDORA
If you insist.
She waves her hand and Darrin and H.B. change back to
NORMAL CLOTHES. They remain FROZEN.
ENDORA (cont'd)
Now, I'm off to Oxford. I've entered a new class that
should help me understand Durwood a little better.
SAMANTHA
Marvelous, Mother.
ENDORA
Yes, it's a course in Anthropoid Behavior ... Ta, Ta.
Before Samantha can retort Endora waves her hand and
POPS OUT. Samantha twitches and Darrin UNFREEZES.
He reacts to the two men FROZEN.
DARRIN
Sam, what happened?
SAMANTHA
Never mind what happened. Let's worry about what's going
to happen.
DARRIN(realizes)
Yeah. How am I going to explain those baseball uniforms.
SAMANTHA
(snapping her fingers).
You don't have to. Take off their top-coats while I
make a couple of drinks.
DARRIN
Sam, would you mind telling me what...
SAMANTHA
We've got a lot to do, I'll tell you as we go.
Samantha heads for the bar. Darrin starts to take
Larry's top-coat off. Larry's arms are extended a
little and he's having difficulty getting the coat off.
DARRIN
Are you sure he won't break?
SAMANTHA
(as he's making the drinks) Of course not. Just put the
hats on the tv and the coats over the bannister.
DARRIN (looks at her making drinks as he gets the coats off)
Samantha, couldn't you Just ZAP up a couple of drinks?
SAMANTHA.
Certainly not! I promised no witchcraft.
Darrin shakes his head in bewilderment, puts the coats
over the bannister and the hats on the tv. Samantha puts
the drinks on the coffee table and helps Darrin escort the
trance-like figures aver to the couch and sit them down.
During this:
SAMANTHA (cont'd)
We'll Just get them comfortable an the couch and I'll
bring them to, and we'll just be chatting as if everything
were normal.
They have them on the couch now. Samantha crosses Larry's
legs as Darrin puts a drink in each one of their hands.
During this:
DARRIN
What are we chatting about?
SAMANTHA
About how nice it was that they dropped in and...
DARRIN (getting ahead) ... and how pleased I am that H.B.
finally agreed to go for my campaign instead of the slogans.
Samantha sits an the sofa with the two men and Darrin sits
in the chair in front of the fireplace. They're all settled
and Samantha ZAPS them into consciousness. They react a
little bewildered at their surroundings. Samantha is giggling.
SAMANTHA
Oh Mr. Summers, you have a delightful sense of humor.
Larry looks over at Darrin wondering what happened. R.B.
looks toward Larry wondering what happened as he tries to
acknowledge Samantha with a smile at the same time. They
both react to the drinks in their hands.
DARRIN
So you really feel, H.B., that my idea is...
(gestures)
...knockout.
H.B. and Larry both sniff their drinks and look at each other.
H.B.
I don't understand ... the last I remember I was standing
over there in a baseball suit...
SAMANTHA
(surprised)
Baseball suit? Mr. Summers, you are joking.
LARRY
(to Darrin)
Listen, didn't we climb in through the window ... and then...
DARRIN
Climb through the window... come on Larry. Are you trying
to gaslight me?
Larry laughs hollowly.
LARRY
Just another little joke.
He takes a sip of his drink. H.B. does the same.
DARRIN
But back to our discussion about my idea for your farm
machinery.
SAMANTHA
Personally, I love Darrin's idea.
Larry and H.B. both turn to look at Samantha in unison.
SAMANTHA (cont'd)
(brightly) I don't count, of course. It's that you like it
so much, Mr. Summers, that matters.
DARRIN
Well Larry, how about you. You're the only one we haven't
heard from.
H.B. and Larry turn in unison to Darrin. Larry has a very
peculiar look on his face, half-smiling.
LARRY
Well, if H.B. likes it I
I like it, too. I mean..
(turns to H.B.) ...you do like it, don't you?
H.B. (vacant enthusiasm) It's...knockout...isn't it?
LARRY
(a basket case)
Certainly.
R.B
(shakes his head slightly and rises)
I'm sorry I suddenly have a severe headache. I think I'll
go back to my office and take a nap.
Samantha and Darrin and Larry rise. As they cross to the hall.
DARRIN
Larry, why don't you stay here and you and I can go over
the idea in a little more detail so that...
LARRY
(interrupting)
Never mind, Darrin ... just write it out and have it on
my desk first thing in the morning, then we'll discuss it.
R.B.
Come on, Tate.
(nods to Samantha)
Mrs. Stephens, thanks for your hospitality.
He finishes his drink. They start to get into their coats.
DARRIN
Larry you didn't see any baseball uniforms, did you?
LARRY (quickly)
No, not me,
Larry finishes his drink.
R. B.
Well I for the record ... I didn't actually see any baseball
uniforms either ... in case it ever comes up.
Phipps and Dodger enter with Tabitha.
PHIPPS
Lessons are over. We'll be leaving for the day.
SAMANTHA
Oh, Larry ... Mr. Summers, this is Professor Phipps and
Master Dodger...Tabitha's tutors.
DODGER Yes, y'see, we're the tutors and Tabitha 'ere
is the tutee.
SAMANTHA
He's a cute little dickens, isn't he?
PHIPPS
(preparing to gesture for a POP OUT)
Well, good day.
DARRIN (quickly) Professor! Don't you want to leave
by the front door.
PHIPPS
If you're going to get huffy...
Phipps exits and as Dodger follows, he swings past
Larry and H.B. and shakes hands.
DODGER
It's a pleasure to meet you fine gentlemen. Take care now.
They exit. As they go, they AD LIB good-byes. With
Larry and H.B. gone, Samantha and Darrin look at each
other and Let out a loud sigh of relief. Suddenly the
door opens again. it's H.B.
H.B.
(holding cuffs out)
I seem to have lost my cuff links. Call me if you find
them.
DARRIN
(realizing where they've gone)
Uh...sure, H.B.
H.B. exits.
DARRIN
Sam it looks like H.B.'s cuff links have found a place
in literature.
SAMANTHA
Well, that'll be a new "Twist".
Darrin smiles dourly.
SAMANTHA (cont'd)
Sorry, Sweetheart.
They both laugh and kiss as we
FADE OUT:
THE END
